Awakening.

It is a slow weekend for me. The last few days of the mid-term break before we start the second half of this semester. I know I would not be seeing my gf much today and the next few weekends especially since she would be busy so I thought why not try to study as well. Besides, I cannot do anything nor go anywhere with my right ankle in the current condition. However, little did I realised I would be sitting on my bum at my desk, not studying but chatting with ZZ for the next few hours! What started off as a normal conversation slowly lead to more serious stuff. I am glad we had that conversation cause ZZ literally brought me back.

Recently, all that had happened had made my mind so clouded with things that I am no longer myself. I couldn't really think and was too bogged down with the short term goals that I kind of neglected my long term ones. I had been back for 2 months and all that had happened was bad news one by one.

-My little car got so thrashed that I actually contemplating selling it instead of doing the repairs. All of it due to the large amount of money I got to spend on repairs.

-My harddisk that crashed and with the loss of data, I was on the verge of buying a Mac on the spot. I had to keep calling HP, chasing for the replacement and see if they could help.

-My right ankle which caused me so much pain. Hoping around on crutches for 2 weeks, in contant pain. At least its alot better now and I hope to recover fully in 2 months.

I was in the pits. Physically, mentally drained. All I could think of was to finish the studies I started. No longer focused on the plans I used to have. So much so that alot of negative thoughts and worries begin to fill my mind. Questions like, "When will I ever be able to settle down? Am I the right person? Would I have enough money to fuel my plans? What else is there for me after this?"... etc, keep coming back at me. Might not seem much to you, but its a build-up of feelings I guess.

Its kind of funny how things work. This morning after Fau got to go for her training, my childhood friend, YK, sent me a song. The lyrics goes...

You look so beautiful today
It's like every time I turn around I see your face
The thing I miss the most is waking up next to you
When I look into your eyes, I wish that I could stay
And I cant lie
Every time I leave my heart turns gray
And I want to come back home to see your face
And I
Cause I just cant take it

Another day without you with me
Is like a blade that cuts right through me
But I can wait
I can wait forever
When you call my heart stops beating
When you're gone it wont stop bleeding
But I can wait
I can wait forever

I know it feels like forever
I guess that's just the price I gotta pay
But when I come back home to feel your touch
Makes it better
Till that day
Theres nothing else that I can do
And I just cant take it
I just cant take it

Somehow it brings back certain memories. Pleasant ones. But it also reminded me of how much I miss her. Not thinking too much of it, I started my chat with ZZ. Our lengthy conversation started with family well-being to reason of relationship, marriage and work. It wasn't much but it evoked a feeling deep down inside me. Its like something in me just woked up after all the gloom that had happened. All that he said, served as a reminder of what I had overlooked these 2 months.

I got to admit. I am in fact very happy to be with Fauziah. No doubt that I am unable to settle down now due to obvious reasons and being physically so far away, it just makes things harder. Although life might be hard but getting through it with a life partner, makes everything sweet. She has been persistent in wanting to wait for my return. Although I had given her the time frame of years, it was never definite. Even before everything, when we were still new, I had warned her of the tough times ahead. She made up her mind to wait. I know its tough for her. Its definitely not easy. To clear things up, I just want to say that I WILL come back one day, to take her away with me. Give me a few years after graduation. Let me earn enough. I aimed to settle down soon. I know its not much, but this is the best I can assure. I certainly hope we can work this relationship out together and enjoy the happy ending that we both desired.

For all that, I really want to thank ZZ for bringing me back on track. To look at the whole picture. To see how awesome she had been to me. To rediscover the drive that I seemed to have lost in life. For all that, Thank you Zhi Zhong.